Thursday, July 30, 2009

There are days

When it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. I wake up this morning at 4am, after being awake til almost 2am , have hell getting back to sleep, then alarm goes off at 7, i get up 15 minutes later. I hurt. I really hurt all over.
I drag myself to the bathroom, discover my 'friend' has shown up for a visit (sorry guys), drop things all over the bathroom, struggle for over 15 minutes trying to make a contact go in my eye.
Get to work late, after almost being hit head on in the QT parking lot.My desk is covered in files, more files being dumped on my desk, files on the floor, in buckets near my desk, all for me to do. 'Oh Deborah, Im gonna have you help me with this' & 'So & so needs your help'
Get into a discussion over the healthcare bill at work, Boss says if it goes into effect & they are taxed as many are saying will happen to the employers, the business will likely go under. NEVER heard back from the interview I had with the other company, not that I relaly expected to. Oh well.Got denied help from one agency, which means more financial shot to take on plus I will have to figure out how to pay for my daughters braces beyond the cut off date, as she just lost all medical. SHIT.
Next week we're supposed to take the boys back to Michigan. As much as Id like my peace back, Im worried about them going back.But thats a whole other story for another blog. Because of that trip, my check will be 2 days short, knocking a big chunk off my pay. I have no vacation or sick time. & wont til after January
of 2010. (If I still have a job then..... )
SO that means I'll once again be short on paying bills.
I hate my fucking life sometimes.
Then looked at my bank account. $34. in the hole.
I give up.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

General asshats
Circle I Limbo

DMV Employees
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies, PETA Members
Circle IV Rolling Weights

The Pope
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Nancy Pelosi
Circle VII Burning Sands

Barack Obama
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Osama bin Laden
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I hesitated to write this, for I imagine, I'll get flack for it. But I really don't care anymore. I feel abandoned. By several people who called me friend. People in whose home I spent time, whose company I used to keep & who used to talk as sisters of the heart. Oh, I accept the fact that those days are over yet I think about it still. One friend, I felt a great kinship with now I rarely ever speak to, they're always too busy. I've tried a few times & a few times have made a connection with them, but its just not the same, & it never will be.
The friend I thought they were just simply isn't. The days are gone of fun things on the weekends or sitting on the grass talking or exploring mysterious places & holiday celebrations. That I can accept, it is the reasons which they are gone I cannot understand.
In the beginning of the end of things, I assumed they were just too busy, or perhaps we saw too much of each other at that time. As time wore on I would notice them doing things with others, & never asking me. I asked them to do things a few times, generally turned down as being too busy or something else going on or already had plans. Eventually I just stopped asking & watched sadly as the time was passed by with others. This person I thought of as my nearest & dearest friend let me pass through this world as if I were invisible. In truth, many, times I felt just that. Invisible. I have felt I can walk through my days with never speaking a word, actually many times, I did just that. Sometimes I would go through my days on the verge of tears & no one ever thought to ask, to look, to notice. Perhaps I was wrong to expect it, but I thought they were my friend.
But that is the past & since I've moved on, I can count on one hand the times we've gotten together. It hurts. It truly does, to feel as if Id been discarded. But its the past right?
Why does it still hurt?

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Big Fish tales

So April Fools is on me. We have a large 55 gallon aquarium in the livingroom, fill of all kinds of fish, it has been doing wonderfully with minimal loss here & there. I was pretty proud of it.
So last week we noticed the cloth it sat on was rather damp. As we'd just replaced some water we figured we had spilled some. A few days ago, we noticed that it was apparently actually leaking some as it was wetter. Hmmm........its no small task to tear it down & redo it.
Well today we got to do it anyway!
Mom was sititng here watching tv when she heard a loud CRACK CRACK, she freaked out & called me, said we had to do somethign TODAY!
So they start draining the tank & get the fish in buckets, hoping they dont die. ive got some old timers in there.....
We move the tank & DAMN, the wood underneath is all wet, warped & cracking right down the middle. if wed have waited, wed have had a catastrophic failure & 55 gallons of fish & watrer in the floor, mixed with electricity, a lot f glass & whatever was in front of it when it went could have died..
So we had to replace the cabinet, spent more thna planned on a stand & had to get small pumps to aerate the buckets so my fishies dont croak (hopefully!).
We're resealing it, refilling it & praying for the best. The thing itself isnt leaking though, the failure is in one of my filter boxes, just enough to make a big damn mess.

Jokes on you

We filed today. Hope all goes well. Shes completely in the right & hes completely in the wrong, per Oklahoma state law, so praying for the best. Keep your fingers & other appendages crossed.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

ramble on

Long time no post again.
Still no baby, a few leads so far so we shall see how that proceeds.

Went to Ostara last Friday, just me & the girls, nice....needed that. IM doing some things on my own possibly tonight.

other than that......not much

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

so its been awhile updating. getting good at that.......
Baby is still missing, no idea where she is at the moment, moved the niece here a couple weekends ago & now shes filing for the custody in tulsa court system. Im hoping there will be a lot easier movement thru our system than the redneck backwoods town of Ponca City. What a joke they were. Hopefully we'll have news soon.
the house fell thru, the car fell thru, getting credit right now is a bitch, so we'll both be working to re establish our credit to a higher score. Sigh......pain in the ass I tell ya
Seems my old alma mater is working on a reunion for this year. ACK! reunion when Im fat?
OMFG haha On a side note, I do find it amazing how several people who wouldnt have anything to do with me in high school are now trying to friend me on facebook. Hmmmmmmm Interesting. If you ask & get denied I dont give a crap about ya.lol

On another note, its bene interesting catching up with a few that I havent seen since then. Some I wished Id kept touch with. A few, it's amazing how much life has changed them. I suppose Ive changed quite a bit as well.
things at home have been....interesting. Again, if you have access to my other blog, read on for an eyeful.

Sunday, February 15, 2009


Jessica, my niece, has had her baby taken from her & has disappeared. No one seems to know where he is, & those that do, wont tell us. He is known to be in the Ponca City, Ok area.
I firmly believe hes still there in Ponca. He's not hard to miss. Hes about 6'3", about 300 lbs, Indian, longish brown hair & driving a silver colored 90-92 Geo prism.
I have attached photos, if you can think of anyone that you could forward it to.

his name is Andrew Dowell. His dads name is Bobby Dowell.
The baby's name is Alissa. She is almost 8 months old now. The photo is fairly recent.
Andrew has been known to carry a loaded shotgun in his car, has made several threats to both the mother & to the baby. He has also had child welfare called on him many times. Anyone who knows anything or sees anything, please contact me with as much information as possible.

Friday, January 30, 2009

enough to make you think

Now, Obama fans can just stop reading. I really don't care. This issue was swept under the rug & ignored. Theres too many facts to ignore.



We have a seperate internet business account for Jeffs biz, its pricy but generally worth the cost, considering all he does on it. Well.........
we get the latest bill & theres a 25. charge on it plus an additional 10. charge for 2 IP addresses. Jeff was told 5 were included at no additional charge.
SO he calls them up. Turns out the 25. is a reconnect fee as I was late on a payment last month & it actually got cut off.
Ok, thats fair I guess. Painful buit I should have remembered to pay it on time, right?
However, they are charging 5. each for the Ip addresses & they now say only 1 is free. Huh?
Then they go on to say we see you actually have 5 IP's. So now you will be seeing another 10. charge for those. so 20. for the 4 IP's that were supposed to be free?
What. The. fuck?

workblogging pt. 394838787638423-93-09148949275843758210928423984753497520983-193109.09238u5843275834

I have to say Im incredibly bored here. The low pay isn't helping either. I thoughti was going to be working with a loan officer, learning that trade & processing, but Im stuck in post closing. Cant say Im crazy about it. sigh..................
If I was making more & had some kind of benefits, it would be better, I guess. Ah well.
I continue my job search.

Girls are at their dads this weekend. IM sure yet again i wont have my child support til sundathe 1st. even tho according to them im to have it by the 30th & according to court, IM to have it all by the 15th. Maybe I shouldnt complain but it just irks me.
Irks me even more to know hes not actually paying it. Susan is.
Filed taxes the other night. I claimed earned income on both girls, considering Heath hasnt worked a day last year, he has no earned income. Not sure how he was qualifying for it anyhow before, pretty sure he makes over the allowed limit, by the time you threw in his commission & overtime. Jeff made too much for EIC & I think they were fairly on par with income levels.
I didnt claim them both for dependants but I did for EIC & will continue to do so. Nowhere in the decree does it say I cant, just tht he can claim one of them as a dependant. Pretty sure they haver to LIVE with you for that anyhow. He can just get over it.
Hating the feeling that I have no real friends. Friends to talk to on the phone, by email, or just hang with. Any friendship I had with certain person seemed to disappear when we worked together. Coutney is too far away & wrapped in her own life, Cheri & Joyce are AWOL, come to think of it, thats pretty much it. Sad, really.
Maybe Im just on my pity pot today.....
finances......geez, maybe I shouldnt get started. Im making a LOT less than I realized. Thought it would even out with no deductions but it doesnt. Not complaining cuz its better than unemployment but damn. I need mroe money to make ends meet. I dont know how were gonna do it.
Income tax should be in next week, Ill finally be able tog et my eyes done. COntacts are sooo old, Im ashamed to say how old they are. Likely Ive caused damage to my eyes from wearing them so long.:(
Another thing Ill be doing is getting a new gun & getting my CCW. Will be glad to be able to legally carry & be armed. But Id better hurry before the antigun , pro no rights prez takes that away from us too.
Will also have to repair my car. Some ass busted the front bumper & dented my front fender. :(:(:(
Really pisses me off. Gonna cost about a grand to get it done. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Going to try to move too if we can find a place. We shall see.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Tuesday, ice-day, taking the day off

I called in today. Not sure how much of it was due to the ice on the ground. I used to walk outside & revel in the wonders of the Goddess & all around. Now I sit in my warm home & barely look out my window. It's a hopelessness. I hate feeling this way. Generally when I am forced to get out of my 'hump', I feel better, but lack the motivation to get out & do it.Recently my daughter faced discrimination from one of her best friends due to her choosing Wicca as her religious belief. It hurts. I hate seeing her confused & upset. I kept her home this past Monday more for that reason than that she said she didn't feel well. Her friend decided that she can no longe rbe friends wth her since she is Wiccan. I don't get it. All along she's known about her beliefs. Now its an issue?She had no problems indulging in the hotel room I rented for her party last weekend, NOW it's an issue. Not cool.But I digress.I dont know where my path will end up, Im having a very hard time believing the things I once believed. I dont like to even put it in the past tense as it makes it seem....final.I dont want to give up, but at the same time I have to follow where my path leads. Anyone else ever had a crisis of spirit?

Friday, January 23, 2009


I'm having a really hard time getting out of bed in the mornings. Work is....unstimulating at best. Completely fucking boring at worst. I feel unproductive, useless & underutilized.
On the other hand, in this economy, I should be happy to have a job, any job. Seriously, its easy money I guess.
I thought it might be a chance for a step up & yeah Im ;learning some things, but its not really the direction I want to go in. Half the employees there are over the age of 50. I just feel........eh. I don't know how I feel.
Had thre weirdest feeling of deja-vu today, for a good 5 minutes. It's hapened before, usually followed by a dramatic change. Wonder whats next.......
Speaking of changes, new prez....Im already not crazy about the things that hes trying to do. I'll admit it, I was no fan of him before & I'm still not. What do we REALLY know about him?
Not a damned thing. That in & of itself is enough to scare the hell out of me.
Who knows where we'll be in 2012. Scary shit....

Monday, January 19, 2009

Wild weekend

So I lost my mind & decided to spend the weekend with teenagers trapped in a hotel room. lol
They had a blast. My daughters 14th bday, I rented her a room with a heated pool, hot tub, internet access & free breakfast. No cleanup. YAY!
They sang & danced in their bathing suits, hit the pool, wrestled around, played online, & had a great time. We ordered pizza & I had brought tons of snacks. Rachel passed out first. I thought about breaking out the sharpie markers but thought better of it (snicker).Pictured to follow later tonight.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Is child abuse legal?

I swear, I have never had school problems with my youngest before, but shes jumping head first into them. Shes failing 3rd grade. Shes not doing her work, not turning stuff in, not bringing stuff back.
What do you do with an 8 year old?
Beat her?
Seriously, I am grounding her, & going to sit on top of her at night, making sure she gets work done & am assigning her extra work as well. Something has to happen, or she will fail the third grade. Failure is not an option, not from laziness.
They are doing a vision/ hearing screening on her, trying to see if there's a physical reason for her having issues.
Teacher says shes lethargic in class, puts her head on her desk a lot, I guess I'll be adjusting bedtime as well. Come to think of it, shes been having trouble getting to sleep. No tv now. Her routine is going to be school, homework, short free time, dinner , bath & bed.
Any ideas? I welcome them.

On to the older one. Shes known about her science project since October & has yet to get it done. Its due the 22nd......
Sheer laziness. Time to shut the computer off too, make her use it only in the living room for class. I've had it with this crap. There's no excuse.

Friday, January 9, 2009

workblogging again..............& rant

day 5 & still bored, still not in a permanent place. Just hope things speed up some. makes the day go slower when not much to do. bleh.
Jeff's boss is screwing him out of a career move. He'd placed a bid to do wireless internet for a hotel. His boss' company knows jack about wireless setup. Jeff does. So when he won the bid to do the job, he was ecstatic, as it would be a step to his business taking off finally. Well..............boss decided he wants to venture there after all AFTER Jeff got the bid, & since he was going to do the biz as his biz for his job, his job has final say so.
& to top it off, his boss wants Jeff to do the work for him at hourly pay. Refuses to give him a raise, refuses to make him on site, refuses to give him the title of manager even tho he does the job & then some. Hes been working all week 10-14 hour days. For what?
Being screwed over?
What an asshole.

Tomorrow is My oldest's 14th birthday. Unbelievable. Shes growing so fast. Shes such a good kid too.
Im lucky. Wonder how long it will last?

Wednesday, January 7, 2009


What a sleepy sleepy day. Was awake til after 4 am. Damn insomnia is going to be the death of me. Alarm went off at 6:30 & it was all i could do to drag my ass out of the bed. I feel lousy.
Thought abut going walking today but may wait til tomorrow the way I feel, hell, Id probally fall asleep on my feet or pass out along the trail.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

workblogging pt oh hell who knows....

So todays the 2nd day here. IM getting more of an idea of things. I can like it here so far. People are nice, very friendly, I like that.
I got my laptop going here, dont have a decent computer so far. Theres an oldddd desktop here running win 98! omg, i never even worked on a 98. LMAO noone seems to really be worried what IM doing. Ill get my own deskspace later today or tomorrow. The only thing that bugs me so far is I have to wait til someone opens the doors to get in the building. Hope they give a key b4 long.
anyhoo, thats all for now.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Life moves on...

I got the j-o-b. Not the money i was hoping for & no benefits but hey, beggars cant be choosers & its more than I was making before not working. So thats a big weight off my shoulders.
my oldest niece is pregnant too. Its an odd situation. If you have access, see the other blog for more details. Im just hoping for the best for all concerned.
Jeff's on insulin now. He kept it from me almost a week. How do you forcre a 30yo man to take some responsibility for how he eats. Gripes to me about how we need to eat healthier for meals yet continues to munch on potato chips & had some crap ass hot dog from quiktrip yesterday & McD's today. I will NOT be your food police.........
Mom's got just a few more months til she can retire. Im so glad. I hate seeing her in pain so much. Hell, I think shes been in pain over half her life. The cards shes been dealt in life arent fair but I guess its what you make of them, we've survived, thats something isn't it?
been having really weird vivid dreams of late, some seem to have underlying tones that i just cant put my finger on. Today was beyond bizarre too. Have been edgy as hell, jumpy, like somethings gonna happen, that something just isnt right with the universe feeling. Took a shower today & had to look out several times, I was afraid someone was in the house, couldnt even sleep in the bedroom today, had to camp out on the couch, where i could see the door. I dont get it.
Other than the weird incidents, all in al, things are moving along. ok